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Open Post: Hosted By The Sex Toys That Help You Arrive Before Your Food Order Does

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Somewhere in a 36-room mansion built by peasants over a jade mine, Gwyneth Paltrow is kicking herself with a 24K-gold-tipped yoga shoe for not coming up with this idea first, since she’s always on the prowl for random objects to shove up her traffic-jammed snatch and sell to gullible customers via Goop.

CamSoda, an adult webcam site and general purveyor of refined and discreet digital pleasures of all kinds, has launched a new technology called Grubuzz, and it is poised to transform how we order and wait for food deliveries in both our quarantine and post-quarantine futures.

If you think your current sex toy is doing all it can for you by simply delivering your lonely and thirsty nether bits to the next dimension, you’re sadly mistaken. There’s a new generation of peen-shaped, handheld friends out there that will not only get you off, but they’ll buy you dinner immediately afterward and then leave you the hell alone. They’re the perfect date! via Paper:

According to a press release, the camming platform is integrating this new tech alongside restaurant chains across the nation so that you can easily plug a curated CamSoda email address into the delivery app of your choosing, whether you’re an UberEats, GrubHub, or Postmates loyalist. And as your food gets closer to reaching your door, the vibrations from your toys will start to gradually increase in frequency as your order is prepared, picked up, and delivered.

“People have been stuck at home for over a year now. They have grown accustomed to ordering takeout food from their favorite restaurants regularly. Quarantine cravings are real and so too is the COVID-19 delivery food boom,” CamSoda Vice President Daryn Parker said. “In addition to the rise in food delivery, there has been a spike in teledildonic usage. Here at CamSoda we figured we’d combine these popular activities and produce a technology that gets people off while their food delivery order is being prepared and ultimately delivered.”

My big takeaway here, other than immediately having to order one of these vibrators after finishing this post, is the term teledildonics, which is just a fancy term for high-tech sex toys on a mission. It makes one think of a chorus line of hot pink, fully erect, peen-shaped action figures calling their manufacturer’s customer service line to complain about the lack of lube and demand a refund.

Grubuzz isn’t the first service of its kind, either. Its worthy predecessor, RubGrub, was launched by CamSoda in 2018 and assisted its hungry and randy customers to push their naughty bits over the edge while waiting for a Domino’s pizza. But who can live with such gustatory limitations? Grubuzz connects those with the hungers of all kinds to order from multiple restaurants, because we all demand more choice while receiving currents of sexy stimulation from afar.

At the moment, apologies are in order for peen owners, as the technology is only currently wired for clitoral stimulation, but a peen-friendly version is in the works, so start saving now.

And here’s a bit of classy NSFW as an endnote, along with some Twitter responses:

Pic: CamSoda

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