I always feel like an asshole whenever I pay for a two-dollar item and have nothing smaller than a twenty, but my asshole days are clearly over and perhaps yours are, too (at least on this front), because Tennessee’s Amanda McCormick and Linda Johnson have plucked the crown from all of our “make change before shopping here, you idiots” heads and brought out the biggest bill ever with which to pay for their purchase.
Sadly, the money in this “I can’t believe it’s not Florida” story was not only too big to make change, but was also as fake as a Kardashian’s skin suit. At least our asshole cash is legit. According to The Smoking Gun:
APRIL 14–Two women sought to use a $1 million bill to purchase merchandise at a Dollar General store in Tennessee, police report.
According to investigators, the duo appeared last Monday morning at the convenience store in Maryville, a Knoxville suburb. Their attempt to use the counterfeit bill was thwarted by a sentient Dollar General employee who called the cops.
A sheriff’s deputy dispatched to the Dollar General for a “suspicious incident,” spoke with Amanda McCormick, 39, who possessed the counterfeit bill. McCormick, who lives about four miles from the store, was accompanied by a relative, Linda Johnson, 61.
First of all, one would kind of hope that all their employees are sentient at the very least. That said, this mess only gets better. Amanda received the shady million-dollar bill in the mail from a church, and the real question here is this: Was it the face of Jesus front and center on the bill, or just some glum-faced president? Because no one should turn away Jesus.
As detailed in a Blount County Sheriff’s Office report, McCormick had a “shopping cart full of various items from inside the store, including several gift cards to various businesses.” McCormick claimed she was “going to use the money to purchase items for care packages for homeless individuals.”
When questioned by the deputy, Johnson disavowed knowledge of the $1 million bill and said she “was only riding with Ms. McCormick to run errands today.”
It’s always best for both partners in crime to rehearse their stories before committing said crime, so this sloppy wreck was already doomed from the starting gate. Linda went all CYA and left Amanda holding the bag, or bill, in this case.
She was probably just tagging along to buy Oreos and a 6-pack of beer, as you do. Maybe Linda was really in it for the snacks and didn’t know about God telling Amanda to buy donations with it. Whatever the case may be, the women were not arrested, but they have been prohibited from returning to Dollar General, which is the cruelest punishment of all.