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BREAKING: Prince William Is The Last Living Bald-Headed Man On Earth

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Well, looks like I’ll be busy all day writing obits for Stanley Tucci, Mark Strong, The Rock, Morris Chestnut, Jason Statham, Sir Patrick Stewart, Kelly Slater, Shemar Moore, Taye Diggs, Bruce Willis, Billy Zane, Boris Kodjoe, Common, Ed Harris, Michael Chiklis, LL Cool J, Corey Stoll, Danny DeVito, and Homer Simpson. Because it seems like they’re dead. Hell,  if you’re a bald man who is reading this right now, guess what? You’re a ghost! It looks like Prince William is the only bald-headed man alive because some new study claims that he is the World’s Sexiest Bald Man. And no, this “study” was not conducted by the University of Trolling and The April Fools’ Day Gazette.

The highly-esteemed literary journal of one hundred percent truthiness known as The Sun reports that this study on sexy bald famous men was done by “cosmetic surgery specialists Longevita.” Sounds 100% legit! You would think that Longevita came to the conclusion that Prince William is the World’s Sexiest Bald Man after receiving a note from Prince William’s royal PR team that read: “Do you want people to realize you exist? Name Prince William the World’s Sexiest Bald Man then.” But according to the “researchers” at Longevita, they put their list together by looking at how many times a bald famous man has been described as “sexy,” “hot,” or “attractive” in blogs and pages found in Google searches. They claim that P. Willy has been described as “sexy” or “hot” or “attractive” at least 17.6 million times. Cut to Duchess Kate doing her damage control duty by typing “Prince William is sexy, hot and attractive” 17.6 million times in a blog post.

Here are the top 10 baldies who ALLEGEDLY make hos moist in the tip. It includes Mike Tyson (Who knew pigeons could type the words “Mike Tyson is hot” on a blog?) and wig abandoner John Travolta:

  1. Prince William – 17.6 million
  2. Mike Tyson – 8.8 million
  3. Jason Statham – 7.4 million
  4. Pitbull – 5.4 million
  5. Michael Jordan – 5.3 million
  6. Floyd Mayweather – 4.3 million
  7. John Travolta – 3.8 million
  8. Bruce Willis – 3.3 million
  9. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – 2.6 million
  10. Vin Diesel – 2.3 million

The thing is, P. Willy’s not even bald. He’s balding! We’re going to need a recount!

This not-at-all rigged list went viral yesterday and many demanded justice for noted piece of bald hotness Stanley Tucci. Stanley Tucci himself agreed and also shared his list of BILFS (baldies I’d like to fuck) while possibly outing Ryan Reynolds as a member of Joel McHale’s Club For Celebrities With Impeccable Plugs.

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A post shared by Stanley Tucci (@stanleytucci)

The Rock also demanded a redo and let us know that the bald head he’d like to lick the most belongs to Larry David:

Dave Bautista has thoughts too:

Well, I’ve conducted my own very thorough and accurate study on the easiest way to get some PR for your plastic surgery place. Simply name Prince William as the sexiest anything and then sit back and watch the internet rage.


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